TinselBells

I like a home filled with a lot of love and laughter and we have plenty of that, no matter how difficult life can get at times. We really don't let anything get us down for long in this household.

I'm bringing some seasonal cheer to you with this hand-picked selection of our family favorite funny Christmas quotes that you can use for your festive handmade cards and crafts. Pass this page along to anyone who is in need of some cheering up because it will help brighten their day.

These witty and cheerful sentiments and sayings are pretty much safe for all the family with only a few being perhaps mildly suggestive when you read them.

Note: This post may contain affiliate links for which I can be compensated.

Funny Christmas Quotes: Short Sayings and Sentiments Ideal for Cards and Crafts

You can make use of some of the best Christmas jokes and quotations on this page to tweet, text, put on your own FB page or other social media accounts. You can use them for your festive Holiday cards, your seasonal scrapbooks and also to tell your friends when you meet up with them.

"Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered." ~ Supplied by Helene-Malmsio

"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included." ~ Bernard Manning

"Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice." ~ Author Unknown

"Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas." ~ Kin Hubbard

"Do they still make wooden Christmas Trees?" ~ Charles Schulz

"The price of Christmas toys is outrageous -- a hundred dollars, two hundred dollars for video games for the youngsters. I remember a Christmas years ago when my son was a kid. I bought him a tank. It was about a hundred dollars, a lot of money in those days. It was the kind of tank you could actually get inside and ride in. He played in the box it came in. It taught me a very valuable lesson. Next year he got a box. And I got a hundred dollars' worth of scotch." ~ Johnny Carson

"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus." ~ Bob Phillips

"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day." ~ Phyllis Diller

"Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer.... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?" ~ Bill Watterson

"Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ." ~ Bart Simpson

"Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit." ~ Supplied by Helene-Malmsio

"What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? - Claustrophobic." ~ Supplied by Helene-Malmsio

"Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money." ~ Author Unknown

"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas." ~ Johnny Carson

"The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other." ~ Johnny Carson

"And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more." ~ Dr Seuss

"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband." ~ Joan Rivers

"No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas." ~ Robert Kirby

"Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it." ~ Richard Lamm

"If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's going to happen to us." ~ Bart Simpson

"Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year." ~ P.J. O'Rourke

"Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included." ~ Author Unknown

"From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it." ~ Katharine Whitehorn

"It is every little girl's dream to be

The fairy on a Christmas tree.

A wand in her hand,

A smile on her face.

And a tree in a most peculiar place." ~ Spike Milligan

"Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year." ~ Victor Borge

"Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space." ~ Dave Barry

"Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with next year's money." ~ Author Unknown

"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin."

~ Jay Leno

Be sure to bookmark (CTRL and D on a computer) this page because I like to update this when I find any worthwhile gems to add in. And if you have any great favorite sayings to share of your own, please do in the Comments section near the end of this page.

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Page Last Updated: November 19th, 2018